Thursday, 27 September 2007

Chain Reaction

I wear a chain. And for some reason this has marked me out as a sort of deviant. Not just in church but also at home. I guess my mom has given up the idea of trying to convert me from the morally unacceptable practice. I’ve had the item for a little more than a year and have been without it only a couple of times. At church, where in a distant time I’ve given my life’s blood to, the staunch believers don’t approve of the chain. The more vocal of them express their views outrightly, while the others merely fix me with glances of utter disdain when I happen to pass by. To say the least I’m extremely depressed about it. People I have referred to as uncle, or aunty since before I was a teenager have now become my most avid persecutors. One, in fact, who my mom insists we should address as mommy (ugh!) grabbed me from behind with a well executed lunge and pinned me to the walls of the church a few Sundays ago.

“Never let me see you put this on, ever!” she hissed at me with stern eyes. I whimpered an affirmative answer, trying to prise myself from her grip.

“Take it off soon as you get home and when you get married give it to your wife.” This time she snarled and I could see the words curling out of her mouth dripping with menace. Marriage, for me, might be a while down the road, seeing as I have no fiancĂ©e now, and the only girl I’m ready to give my heart to is thousands of miles away in some other country. Besides that she’s currently in a much publicized liaison with former (?) rapper Jay Z so I’m kinda waiting for her to come back to her senses…
But I didn’t enlighten her on these plans. I just shuddered and nodded my head miserably like a sickened puppy. This tactic must have worked for at that moment she let go of me. I almost collapsed to the ground. She put on her beatific smile, the one she used to charm her way into an early Deaconnesship and sauntered off.

Now you might ask me, isn’t it easier to just discard the chain? Why would I subject myself to such killer moves more suited for the WWE just because of a little piece of jewelry? The object, I should add, is not only inexpensive; it’s also easily and widely available. So why do I still use it?

Beats me.

But as a matter of principle I leave it on. It’s mine. I got it legally. It’s not ostentatious. It’s pretty, small and barely visible. I forget it’s there sometimes. It’s comfortable to use. I haven’t got to take it off because I want to take a bath or anything like that, and it’s shown no sign of tarnish. Simply, I don’t see any reason to take it off.

Now I asked my mom why she was so averse to my adornment.

“Only women put on jewelry” she replied.

I pointed out that rings and some wrist watches were jewelry. I also pointed out that her statement was semantically incorrect because I had seen a number of men with jewelry including, obviously, yours truly.

She sniffed. Once. “Only women should wear jewelry” she said.
I asked, in the most unassuming way possible why.
She looked at me like I had just laid an egg. She began in her most preachy tone.
“When men begin to assume the characteristics of women. Indeed when they begin using the clothing of women for themselves, it’s the beginning of perversion and the end of everything. Indeed every destruction in the Bible – Nineveh, Sodom and Gomorrah, the Tower of Babel and the Flood were occasioned by man’s increasing perversity and desire to change the normal order of things.”

I mulled over this for a while wondering how my little innocent chain would be the cause of the next life threatening catastrophe. It didn’t seem to add up. And the argument seemed ambitious, somewhat.

I pointed out, politely, that she had strayed somewhat off point as she didn’t address the issue at hand. It was at this point she got upset and sent me off on some flimsy errand.

It has become rather difficult, I have found to hold a proper conversation without distracting somebody.

“Is that a chain?” a team leader in my church asked one morning while we were discussing how the plans for the new library were going. I had noticed her staring at a space beneath my throat, trying to get a glimpse of it.

No it’s just a little space in my skin which has distinctive silver tinge and happens to glint when it catches light. Of course it’s a chain you ******!

I managed a weary “yes”.

She avoided my eyes the rest of the meeting and my entire person the rest of the morning.

I’m now hardened and used to prejudices like that.

The upside of having a chain is, in a gathering (not my church, obviously), people tend to see you as urbane, possibly rich and full of interesting ideas. And then girls think you a Casanova, which is ok with me. I’m absolutely thrilled by the prospect of being considered a playboy and have tried to live up to the reputation. I got a pair of ray bans, D Banj style, and have taken to sitting in bars and scanning the surroundings. There usually is some drunk giggly chick who notices me and we begin to make eye contact (I have to take off my ray bans for this activity though I keep them conspicuously displayed on the bar top) my pickup lines don’t seem to have the desired effect though:

“You wanna have dinner? I’ll be dessert”

“Hi, I’ve lost my phone number. Could I have yours?”

Usually they are dragged off by their irritated partners or just move on to meet another (this time a genuine) playboy.

The best thing about my chain though, is the permanence of it. I like that fact of it – a permanent piece of jewelry requiring low or no maintenance and which, if I may say so myself, really does go well with all of my outfits. and the spirit of it - strong, dainty, shiny and pretty.

40 comments:

Supergirl said...

Ozaveshe darling, the answer to your predicament is simple. Give the Chain to your blogger office girl which is me and if you dont, i will report to beyonce about our little private affair. Now give it to me.

ozaveshe said...

when u say 'give it to me' what really do u mean?

Supergirl said...

Bad person. I mean give me the chain silly. You can't really give "that" to me the way i want it so...

bumight said...

lol, I have a friend who wears a chain too,just like the one u described, bt it has sparked controversy with his parents. I think it's a naija thing. May be u need to get a dogtag *evil laugh*

The experiences of an achiever....... said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The experiences of an achiever....... said...

lol! @ the "mommy" deaconess worked her way into deaconessship with her *beatific* smile! u're killing me! (and no, not in any of ur perverse interpretations!) i have no qualms with ur adornment..know why?..ur uncle wears one too, only its gold( funny thing, it hasn't faded, since he bathes with it too)..Mumsy has tried..the man refuses to sucuumb, the prying eyes? i don't think they have the liver to say "oga..er..chain?" ok..enough story..just pointing out a genetic relationship maybe..the lineage's stubborness and innate compulsion to defy with jewelry? kai! i can misyarn!!! lol!

fantasy queen said...

i love a guy with a chain(but mind u, i'm still weary about u bearing same name with my almost first love)
i used to(and still) get the looks from people (who thankGod are not family so i dont really care)for going around with an ankle chain, my sis and i developed a thick skin and just smile at those who think we're lesbians, or in a cult or just plain whores for spoting an anklet...as long as i feel good with myself and mom has no beef(even if she did) then screw the world...
i'd have a beef with u though, if it was the bling bling, dog chain, heavy weight chain, now that sucks and jayz's got nothing on u for wearing that..i'm sure B will come back to u soon.

Queen of My Castle said...

You're in love with Beyonce, eh? It gets no better than a Southern Virgo girl from Houston.

I remember a few years ago here in The States, the guys here were faced with the same prejudice concerning them wearing earrings. I think there's nothing wrong with your necklace, but that's just my opinion. I just hope you rock it well.

ozaveshe said...

@bumight: a dogtag? they go just chase me commot haus, lol. thanks for stoping by.

@experiences: i like ur yarns gan. didnt know my uncle wore one as well. i htink i can begin to sleep beter now.

@fantasy queen: didnt know me and ur ex had (almost) the same name. i dont doubt he was a special guy though...
i like ankle chains as well on ladies. and i'm not averse to lesbians. i'm not saying u are one but just in case...
i like ur stance tho - ^%$# the world if ur conscience is claer with itself.
and no, my chain is small, plain and virtually invisible.
thanks for dropping by.

@queenofmycastle: my thing for beyonce (sigh) i'm still waiting.
i'm rocking my chain well, thanks. dont think i'll do earrings though...

@supergirl: you think..?
thanks for

eddiie said...

Hmmmmmmm....

this being my first stop here..i think its all about introduction anda less to do with commenting serious staff..

Thanks for stopping by my crib..i mean my page..Am thankful and from the little that i managed to read,...men; i think i have myself yet one of those few constructive pages of blogs...

It will be a blessing and a good feel to be here..will come back surely..

cheers..

eddiie said...

Hmmmmm...

Lost words..but Huh..let me be back..

Mystic Michelle said...

nothin's wrong with wearing a chain.....but hey the important question is, are we talking sentimentality or defiance......
i know why u never wanted to take it off(b'cos of the special person dat gave it to you, abi?).....
need i say more???

Supergirl said...

Abi, "Someone Special". Abeg give me the chain jare and lets let sleeping dogs lie. By the way Thanks for... What?

ozaveshe said...

@michelle: pls dont say more. u've said enuff already.

@supergirl: if u like quote all the proverbs in the world, i'm not giving u that chain. its mine! mine!! mine!!!

Jaycee said...

all because of a little piece of jewelry. Hmmmm..I know whether u wear a jewelry or not is not actually a salvation issue. But maybe u shd consider taking it out sometimes (maybe when u go to church) just out of respect for your mum & the older folk though (even though they don't get it)...

Nice post...

Atutupoyoyo said...

Double O you should be ashamed of yourself. The only men that wear chains are pimps, Italian mobsters and hip hop artists. You are a complete disgrace and in fact I am sure Satan is preparing a very special place in his kingdom for you. Do you not know that wearing a chain is the worst of all evils? Murder, rape and blasphempy pale in comparison. Chain wearing should go straight to the top of the agenda for any self respecting church and should be decried from pulpits across the land. Save yourself from eternal damnation and destroy that chain o! You have been warned.

BiMbyLaDs** said...

u write like a lawyer, fantastic.

i like ur blog, i shall be back..

BTW, i love it when men wear thin chains..

Nyemoni said...

please can I see the chain first?

UndaCovaSista said...

Lol. I personally have never liked the look of jewelry on men (nothing wrong with wrist watches and wedding rings), but i never knew the wearing of bling could endow one with pariah status in certain circles. You learn something new everyday...

ozaveshe said...

@jaycee: i think i'll heed ur advice. out of respect (in places where it matters) i'll take it off.

@eddie: thanks for dropping by. didnt understand ur 1st comment though

@atutu: ATUTU! cant believe u joined the bandwagon. infact ur own is even worse. whats all this about mafiasoes hiphop stars and big pimping? murder?! rape ke?

now i've made my final decision. i'm never going to take it off, come hell or highwater. nothing can chain-g my mind...

@bimbylads: thanks for the encouragement. my chain is suitably thin.
er...is it fantastic to write like a lawyer?
thanks for stopping by

@nyemoni: u that u did b'day u didnt give me cake, u know want to see my chain. my own is tits for, sorry, tit for tat. so i'll show u mine when u give me yours...

@undacovasis: we do learn new things everyday.thanks for dropping by

stuck in my throat o said...

i am coming for the chain...can't have my friend being a sinner now can i?

stuck in my throat o said...

i have seen the chain...it is a slim white gold chain...so how many people are still up for stealing it.

ozaveshe said...

@stuck: abeg no let them come jack me this weekend o! i'll hold u responsible if anything happens. thank God i know ur haus. i'll sniff u out even if u run go ghana

Afrobabe said...

Hands on ur face, move it down to ur chest,feel my way back upwards,hold the chain...pull u to me,tongue on chain,touching the spot that ticks on ur throat...moaning!

That is what ur church people see when they look at you and see the chain oh...

well at least that was the image in my head when i read about "the chain".

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

Let me see, so you are a rebel in a secret love affair with Beyonce. Am I right so far?

lol!

Like my sista Nyemoni, me self i wan see this ya chain!

Omosewa said...

me third, i wanro c the chain, lol

Freaksho said...

theyre having at you for wearing a chain???
hahaha.
try wearing green contacts to church.
lets see what happens.;-)

Atutupoyoyo said...

LOL. Double O no vex o. That was my poor attempt at sacrcasm. I am just playing the part of those holier than thous who have there own seperate agenda. Wetin consign me with chain? On judgement day will eternal life really depend on whether or not one wears a chain? I doubt it.

2ndCorin5:17 said...

and i'm 299999999999! WHAT???!! Anyway, i never imagined a chain will cause sooo much problems... wonder what will happen when they find out other "stuff" you may be into.. lol

Afrobabe said...

u still wearing that chain?

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

eeyah
I am not going to say anything sha.
Be patient with ur mom
If u lived on ur own, then ur issues will be halved...

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

I think a pendant-less chain on a man - not the one used to padlock gates, but the nice simple gold or platinum ones- is very sexy

NIGERIA POLITRICKS said...

Well, I think you are having a "Chain" reaction...hope you dont turn out to be a by-product in hell. (sarcasm)lawl!

ozaveshe said...

@2nd corin: pls sharrap there before u go and disgrace me in public. sometimes u seem to forget who u are to me. i'm going to expose u one day...

@afrobabe: u're killing me, u're killing me..i'm MOL-ing and MOL-ing. MOL= Moaning Out Loud

@catwalq: my chain is slim. can't be used to padlock gates. its also sexy. has opened lots of doors for me, if u know what i mean

@freaksho: green contacts?! worrahell? enough binding and casting when i show up in church

@politricks: yep its a chain reaction, but i'm stuck with it. i'll never 'chain'ge

@omosewa: i'll show u. tell me when and where

@solomon: won't show u. even if u tell me when, where and how, lol

Onome said...

i see nothing wrong with wearing a chain...in fact i think its quite attractive on a guy but ur pick up lines??????(lmao) guy!!!(lmao)..i appreciate your sense of humor though:-)

bighead said...

What's wrong with a small chain? I don't wear them but I don't see any thing wrong with them either.

Anonymous said...

love your style

aw much is the chain worth anyway?
you said it is inexpensive.
that's relative

what do you think about tattoos?
add that to the chain n i'm sure atutu will personally write a letter to the devil authorizing him to take you to hades.

Smaragd said...

All this fuss about a small-almost-invisible-except-for-the-occasionalbling-mostly-hidden-underclothes-chain?!! wow! i guess this is the point where i admit i have a weird family cuz a lot of males in my family wear chains, even bought by the mothers in my family for that matter...lol.

anyhow, ur blog makes for a good read and am glad i stopped by.

GAWD! i still cant believe u wrote so much about a chain. Funktastic!

theicequeen said...

lmao @ "No it’s just a little space in my skin which has distinctive silver tinge and happens to glint when it catches light. Of course it’s a chain you ******!"

i love sarcasm! gr8 blog too...

and whats the fuss about an amlost invisible chain sef? its not like its all them lil jon chains now

lilmissfab said...

I loved this boy, Still do and never will stop loving him. This is Supergirl by the way, continue to RIP bro