Tuesday, 31 July 2007

Out of sight

Was rummaging through my meagre belonging this morning and saw this amongst them. I remember writing it ages ago. Funny, it still applies...

On Relationships

Out of sight is out of mind
Thats why I remain disinclined
To dating girls that I can't meet
At the convenience of the nearest street.

Wednesday, 18 July 2007

Management Meeting


I start the countdown from sunday.

I have a lot of stuff on my desk that I havent cleared up. I know. What makes it worse is I work four days a week. Fridays I go off for my NYSC community development (supposedly. what I actaully do is scurry round town for gullible females). Friday's activities have a way of spilling into saturday (if I'm lucky). And on sunday I feign some nasty infection of separate body parts to keep from going to church, then snooze well into mid day before I undertake the main chores of the day (brush teeth, eat breakfast, read a book, bath tomorrow) It is during this period of intense activity I remember monday. And the sickening management meeting we have to undergo. Sunday evening I'm a bag of nerves. Anyone who knows me will recognise the stress indicators: I bite my nails and anyone who comes too close, I refuse food of the 'swallow' variety, I engage the kitchen knife in carrying out regular stuff like switching on the television and persuading my younger sister to iron my shirts for work on monday... Monday!

I crawl to bed shaking like a puppy, my mind thinking all sorts of things - can't the ground open up and take me? (not beneficial ; in the debris after the event my family may discover my porno collection), or can't the Rapture take place sometime in the night? (not desirable: I probably won't even hear the trumpet above my own snoring) or can't I wake up and find that due to my superior brain performance I've been kidnapped by the Russians and taken to a High Tech Lab (not realistic, and I don't like the Russian language anyway-too much phlegm involved). None of these things happen and I drop off to sleep.

The next morning everything works - the shower, my deodorant can, the car, even the traffic wardens... I guess Murphy's Law really does exist.

Eight Thirty.
A bell strikes in my head
I walk into the conference room with dread
wishing to God I was dead...

We start with a prayer inviting the Holy Spirit to preside over our meeting. 'Witnesses', I think grimly, 'they want witnesses for my execution'.

We begin with an update. Pencils work on paper, corrections are made. And then we proceed to the business of the day.

I fumble, of course, like I know I would. I pray we skip bits I should have done. That doesn't happen.

"why didnt you complete the process?" my boss asks.

"Because I think a lot of the work we do here is pointless and results can be better achieved with some restructing and prioritizing" I dont say that, obviously. I mumble about uncooperative clients instead.

"what were you doing all week?" he asks again.

"reading fineboy's blog and sending my curriculum vitae to banks and oil companies" But I didnt say that as well. I mentioned instead the Shareholder's Agreement and the court appearance that took up so much of my time.

At last it's over. The blood reaches our elbows. We end with a prayer as usual. The Holy Spirit slinks away. Probably hasn't seen seen so much gore since King David and the Philistines.

"Make sure you tie up all the loose ends", my Boss admonishes.

I nod an OK.

Then sit on my desk.

Switch on my computer.

And write this post.

Monday, 16 July 2007

I'm back!

I haven’t updated this in a while. I’ve been content instead to exist in blogsville thru comments on my pages, substituting it, even, for my yahoo email addy. This has meant, obviously, that a lot of my communication is being exposed to the entire world! (that’s such a grand feeling, I had to stick it in there) I’ve noticed, this my weeks of silence, that I will not make a successful adulterer. I almost certainly would be caught. I’m somehow not so adept at telling believable lies to numbers of females, and I’ve proved horribly disastrous at hiding my tracks. If I decide to have affairs outside marriage (I haven’t made up my mind whether to or not, still weighing the pros and cons), my wife certainly wouldn’t need to hire private detectives to follow and find me. I probably will let it slip in a moment of indiscretion, say for instance before I go on a “business trip”, ask her what flavour of condoms to carry along…

But this is me, really. I’m probably the most unintentionally honest person you’ll ever meet. One just has to look at the comments on my page to see how I bungle the simplest white lie.

Enough of that.

Now, due to increased calls, flashes and not too discreet text messages form my avid fans around the globe, I have decided to finally update my blog. I know a lot of you guys have been waiting for this and I don’t want to deny you any longer. I came about this decision sometime last night in my bed while I was counting er…mosquitoes (I actually was supposed to count sheep the way they do in cartoons and fairytales but its easier to count mosquitoes than sheep, trust me, they being more plentiful and visible in the lekki peninsula at certain periods of the night) well anyway I couldn’t sleep and thought of all my disgruntled fans around the globe (there, I said it again!) I mulled a bit about what to post. Which part of my exotic, super/over indulgent, celebrity-like, worldwide envied life do I post for all y’all? My breakfasts on the French Rivera with some gorgeous teen movie star who’s just completely lost her mind (amongst other things, lol) to me, the high powered business meetings where I make cold blooded decisions with blue blooded Germans, the yachts, the gulfstream, caviar, champagne, cute blonds with shredded clothing…
Ok, ok, I guess Id better wake up. I’ve been dreaming too much these days. What I should tell you about was my weekend.

But that won’t be now. Sometime during the week. I need to get to work. My butt still hurts from being chewed at the management meeting this morning….

Wednesday, 4 July 2007

Plain Bored

These days it's been difficult for me to write anything.

It's not like stuff doesnt happen to me. A lot actually has been happening but putting pen to paper (finger to keyboard) proves a little difficult. It's been a week I blogged. A week or two. Stuff has happened in that time. And even between posts.

Stuff that has happened in recent times:

1. Met a neighbour (female, obviously) On friendly terms with her. Invited me for lunch at her hosue a couple of times. Wonder why I didnt know her before. She cooks a mean stew.

2. My nephew (baby F) has gone thru these baby stages - screaming his head off when hungry, getting hungry all the time, screaming his head off when bored, screaming his head off when angry, screaming his head off while everyone else sleeps and just plain screaming his head off. Now all this afects me very much because this little guy stays in our house now. Yep, his mom, my sis, has moved back in the meantime (her husband is on a trip and will be back in 2,3 weeks) so our house is full of baby things. For someone so small he does manage to have a huge wardrobe and customized accessories.

3. Getting extremely dissatisfied with work. Its been about 8 months in this firm and I havent acheived any of the following:
i) Outstanding accolades for a job well done
ii) stupendous wealth
iii) additional professional qualification (any profession would do)
iv) Mind Boggling fame
v) Hot sizzling affair with a member of staff

So i'm thinking of leaving. To a place where i'll get criminal sums of money for minimum work done.

4. Re established a fledging relationship with ?????. (I know she reads this blog so I'm putting this for her benefit)

5. Desisted from sleeping in the nude (due more to the prevalence of mosquitoes in my room than moral or ethical considerations)

6. Have stayed away from alcohol, almost totally. Drunk very responsibly for three months, er, except at my above mentioned neighbour's house on one of those aforementioned dinners (why the hell am i writing like a lawyer?)

That seems about all, come to think of it. Not so much I know, but on the upside, at least I've been busy.

Talk to you later. I need to get on with work.