Friday, 16 May 2008

can't think of a title, the post has exhausted me already...

Ok this is going to be a real post. Afrobabe has gone at me for my latest post of poetry. She made it seem like my attempts at reforming the world through children’s poetry was appalling. Worse she hissed at me. A very emphatic hiss, which came as a separate comment. Now, I’m really distraught with this turn of events. So I determined in my heart to do the unthinkable:

I’ll put up TWO POSTS in ONE MONTH!

Besides this, I’m going to make this post as boring and lack lustre as possible. Primarily this is to spite Afrobabe (sebi she wants to read something? She go read tire today) I’m going to detail my very unexciting recent life and new career I have taken up – banking. Yep, I’m in a bank now. Left the law firm a while ago. If I’m to tell the whole truth, since the year began I’ve gone through two banking institutons. A third offered me a job some weeks ago and even though it’s a much better place than where I am now, I can’t afford the reputation I’m getting. It’s a bit difficult explaining to my neighbours and friends my most current place of employ.

Sample telephone conversation

friend: how’s ur law firm?

Ozaveshe: er..left a while ago

Friend: u’re unemployed? eyah sorry o…

Ozaveshe: no, no. not unemployed. I work in Bank Z now…

Friend: ah! BIG BOI! U be my man! Anyway, talk to u soon.

A week later

Friend: Ozaveshe! Ozaveshe!! Call me back now! I no get credit

Ozaveshe: ok. (I call back)

Ozaveshe: how far?

Friend: my man! How u dey now?

Ozaveshe: good. Whats up?

Friend: I dey find ur branch. I no see am o! u sure say u dey H street? I don dey bike the whole VI and I gast see u bcos na u go help me pay the okada man. I no get kish for hand…

Ozaveshe: I’m no longer in Bank Z. I’m now in Bank S. my bank is on the same street

Friend: u don move commot? Na wa for u o. U dey dodge me abi wetin?

You can imagine how perplexed my former colleagues were when they saw me walking around with a rival bank’s pin on my lapel. The explanations I’ve had to do…

So that was it. I decided to stay put in this place and try to forge the beginnings of a respectable career from here. Unfortunately I’ve been placed in a department that didn’t take into consideration my legal background and outstanding ability at shuffling paperwork. My duties consist of, but are definitely not limited to doling out cash to paying tellers and primarily making certain the account books balance on a daily basis. That has proved quite a challenge for me, especially as nothing in my life ahs ever really balanced – my own personal accounts, my diet…

Inevitably overages and shortages have been showing up. Its taken all my arithmetic skills to keep the entire bank from crumbling since employing me. I’m beginning to think I may be more of a liability than an asset (you can notice my familiarity with accounting lingo. I’ve actually gotten some knowledge)

And then my colleagues are all of the Yoruba stock and insist on their language, and oddly French, as the lingua franca. This move has chased away all non-yoruba and French speaking customers. The French is gotten from the members of the Congolese community in the area who are some of our most valued customers. Yeah, and the French is spoken with an Ibadan accent and limited to phrases like “good morning” and “where is the money?” Nonetheless, in order to fit in I have assiduously learned these phrases and use them in dealing with customers. One walked in yesterday about the end of business hours. He had a large hairy jaw and was wearing a green t-shirt that read CONGO!

Congo: I vuld like tu, how they say it? Open ah account

Ozaveshe: good morning (in French obviously, but with that Yoruba accent I can’t quite get the spelling)

Congo (his eyes lighting up with pure joy): oh! Tu est francais? Excellente, fantastique!

Ozaveshe: now look here bro, don’t get all excited…

Congo (he’s almost jumping up and down now, looking a lot like king kong): Oui! Oui!

My manager comes in: who’s making all that noise? (said in Yoruba as well, obviously)

Congo, spinning round in concentric circles. I’m getting dizzy watching him): Oui! Oui!

Ozaveshe: we ke? No be me and you abeg…

Honestly, how the mighty have fallen. The great Ozaveshe has been exposed to many indignities such as having to converse in the vernacular with people of dubious immigration status. And that’s not the worst. There are those other boys. The ones with flashy cars and teeth. The ones with deep tribal marks running along the sides of their faces who walk into the bank their ID Cards reading names like JOHN JAMES. Or PAUL JAMES. Or when they want to be imaginative JAMES JOHN.


And then there the girls. Or I mean there no girls. No pretty young things in my branch. Maybe they all shipped them to another part of the country or something, but they’re definitely not where I am. there are some who are young and they are some who are things, but none is pretty. The pretty ones are older and out of my reach. I noticed one thing last week during a branch meeting winking at me. I cringed involuntarily. She seemed encouraged by this, probably thinking I was jolted by desire, and she added a smile to her revolting display. To think of it, she bore a startling resemblance to CONGO! ; dull eyes and disgustingly hirsute (I could see thick sweaty tufts of hair coming out from the top of her blouse) I had to hide behind a colleague the rest of the meeting and for the entire day at the office, pretend to be engrossed in a Credit Proposal Memorandum.

I guess with this, its somewhat easier to understand why I havent posted in a while. I've been having a rough time dealing with the realities of my life. It was out of this desperate living conditions I decided to do something for children so any of them in grim situations like mine would get hope and inspiration the way I have gotten hope. Hence my poetry.





P.S Just before I posted this I saw fantasyqueen's comment urging her idoma sister on in her assault against me. I'm sparing you both this time for old times sake. BUT if this repeats itself again, then its going to get really hot and messy in here...

91 comments:

Afrobabe said...

lmao...all inspired by me??? hmmmmm...My head is growing big here...

Afrobabe said...

lol...ur job sounds heavenly, the latest one I mean...such bougouis ( I try now, big grammar no easy) clients and colleagues...

By the time u leave there u should be speaking fluent yoruba french or french yoruba....maybe ur english will loose english and be replaced by oui or we or the yoruba version..

maybe u'll be married to the babe that has the hots for u in ur bank...

maybe you'll both have kids and move to CONGO!!!

Oh the potentials of that bank you moved to...

I envy you bros.....

FQ, what do u think?

Atutupoyoyo said...

It is good that you have appeased those two Idoma women. They are a fierce bunch particularly when they work in pairs.

This ya job dey laff me no be small. But who has three jobs in 6 months? Na so the ting be. I have been offered a job in Bank Z and am starting in August. I go throway salute if I see you.

Supergirl said...

Ton bureau est fantastique et formidable! lol. Are you joking? these people want to turn this cute, janded Ozaveshe into a razz sontin. Ko da o, jo ma da won lohun jare, keep being the cream la cream that you are, you may be the one that will bring a revolution to their organization. And for real, another bank offered you employment? arent you hot and happening? wish my life was as spicy as yours, the world will be a better place.

Two posts a month is acceptable, much better that one post in three months so you are forgiving and im back in love.

Nice post dude and believe me, you didnt suceed in spiting Afrobabe o cos it was interesting. Better luck next time

Anonymous said...

Two posts in less than a month??!!

AFROBABE OH AFROBABE.. THANK U FOR DOING WAT NO MAN(or woman for that matter) COULD!!
Loved it Vesh..

ibiluv said...

another hilarious post....

loose the ibadan accent...bonjour(good morning) is used to greet from morning till evening...so its fyne if to say it during work hours.....next tyme smile and say in perfect english.i dont speak french.....send a mail via intranet that vernacular should only be spoken before 8am and after 430pm...at ALL other times perfect english is the only language allowed in the banking hall.....

....na u biko...job changing spree u had there.....u for no send them ooooo....u for change job again...wetin be dia biz????

ozaveshe said...

@supergirl: dont mond them o! they want to finish me there.

like ur french and yoruba sturvs, reminds me of work

@atutu: i left bank Z for bank S. so u're starting in august? u have an idea wot ur job description is? nice to have u back in the country

@anon: i know who u are. andd u know u can do those things to me too. u havent just tried

@ibiluv:how u been? e be like say u sef dey work for one bank, abi am i correct?

@afrobabe: heavenly ke? wot would be heavenly wud be me and u in the banking hall after hours. oh, the pleasures of banging, sorry, i mean banking...

Afrobabe said...

lmao...u crazy ass...hmmm that would be a nice scenario for a porn...me in my crisp skirt suit and killer heels sitting on a desk....

As I was saying before I digressed...You crazy ass...I will send you one congolese babe to help with your after hours bank fantasy...who knows, by the time she is through with you, you might not only change jobs but move to congo and become a manager as well....

ibiluv said...

.....lol @ Afro.send him the congo gal......nah dude i'm in telecomms-never liked the idea of counting other people's money...........

The experiences of an achiever....... said...

Vesh..hmmmmm
i enjoyed....good stuvs, at least ur yoruba vocabulary is improving, Qui?

theicequeen said...

"You can imagine how perplexed my former colleagues were when they saw me walking around with a rival bank’s pin on my lapel"..Judas, just like Freaksho!!!!!

and you have me in stitches with the speaking french wiv Ibadan accent, Congo spinning round in concentric circles, and yelling oui!..we?? you and who? tew funny!

i started highlighting and copying, to comment on, but theres just too much of it!still laughing...

and pele at the lack of berra chicks oh! maybe its their,"reduce distraction" scheme...

AlooFar said...

Speaking French with Ibadan accent.... I'm thinking.... that should sound sexy. I guess ;)

Freaksho said...

ozzy, you no try at all! three months waka!
very bad.very bad.

fantasy queen said...

i'm hurt. not because you mentioned me in the blog and not in a good way, but because you didnt tell me about the career switch.

now heres my big HIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

congrats though. with malice i say this. i'm happy for you. with malice again.
untill the formal letter of info is sent my way(of course with a portion of your salary), i'll smile at you with malice.

ejo, Voir-vous!(that shd be a nice combo of french yoruba. si?

fantasy queen said...

oh and i'm so proud of you(with malice) two post in a month!

bumight said...

how did I miss this? how did afrobabe get on my throne?
Mr. Banker, never mind u're still hilarious, whether u write a real post or u speak french with an ibadan accent!

Smaragd said...

lmao!

freaksho, look who's talking! dont get me started dude!

i'm thinking of changing jobs, and since i speak fluent yoruba and basic french and i'm pretty to boot, i might just fit into ur branch...lol whaddaya think? parce-que je parle francais avec yoruba et je suis tres mignonne/belle.

but seriously, i cant get over that idea of pple speaking vernacular at work! it irks me.

Atutu. so u r leaving ur adopted mom? for real?

will be back next week, since that's when the next update is due.

ibiluv said...

lol@smaragd......bien sur.....tu est tres jolie.........

i dont mind vernacular at work........so long as its between staff-no clients,customers around......at my work place its usually to pass jokes around....de-stress a little cos a lotta people here speak CORRECT english.....infact the Queen of will be proud...*wink*.........

Porter deHarqourt said...

you and her of the sweaty chesthairs;methinks there's great potential there.

sha said...

Had tears streaming down my eyes .............. haven't laughed so hard in ages!

French with a yoruba accent? Funny, I can almost imagine how that sounds.

And sweetie maybe you should give the Congo look alike a chance - Cinderella had to kiss a frog ya know, lol.

ozaveshe said...

@icequeen: i've been here a while onger now, and boy, it gets worse everyday. thot i had seen the end of xters but weirder ones pop up every minute

@afrobabe: dont excite my imagination too much o. and congo is too far sef. i'm sure u have some friends in nearby Benue state

@ibiluv: wish i was as smart as u. i thot that being surrounded by money wud make some filter to me; thru osmosis or something. boy was I wrong...

@aloofar: sound sexy ke? ah! maybe u're even one of them sef...

@freaksho: i know, i know. spank me.

@freaksho (5min later): HEY! i didnt mean it in THAT way

@fantasyqueen: i wanted u to be the last to know. saving the best for last, sort of. now we have to do somethng about that ur malice...

@fantasyqueen: seems hissing is currently in vogue. been getting a lot of that lately.

@bumight: what i'll do is, just b4 i out up my next post, i'll call u so u can get ur crown back. all u have to do is gimme ur fone nos...

@smaragd(did i spell that correct?):u'll fit right in my branch. just be sure to add a smattering of grammatical errors and a preponderance of the H-factor and u're in the crew

@porter: great potential for u maybe...not me at all

@sha:i honestly dont mind frogs, or the entire reptillian family, or animals, trolls and ogres for that matter. but i draw the line at species not easily identifiable. u shld have seen congo...

@experiences: definitely improving. btw we have serious gist o

Afrobabe said...

WE ARE IN A NEW MONTH!!!!

exschoolnerd said...

hahahahahahahaha..thats all i could do while i read this entry...gosh this has got to be the funniest thing ive read in months..if u keep up this way id be nagging u to update.

Smaragd said...

oya now, two weeks are up Mr. yorufrench speaking banker!

OS said...

NoNo...
I always get a kick outta readin ur blogs.
C'mon we are in June.When is ur next post coming up?

Afrobabe said...

I have given up...


Sad shake of head!!!!

Anonymous said...

How DARE you change your pinshure witout putting up a new post??!!
the cheek of it... lemme catch u first!!
Abeg update jo!!
Tee

shine said...

wish i had something bright or clever to say to ease the palpable disappointment. write through it.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Je deteste le compatabilite mais j'ai l'impression que votre travail est amusant/tres agreable

NaijaBabe said...

Lol...this is quite funny.

Afrobabe has unleashed all of these...

Porter deHarqourt said...

not happy!!

Afrobabe said...

plsssssssssssssssssssssssssss...come back, plsssssssssssssss

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

I think this is my first time here. Nice blog. Take care!

The experiences of an achiever....... said...

gist...and hw do we *gist* when u're AWOL eh?? u knw..yahoo messenger and fcbk chat was created for a reason right?

Twix! said...

and i actually believed that youll keep to your word and update every two weeks as promised. Cookie, why you be like this now?

badderchic said...

lmfao insane u r

Jaguda said...

you definitely arent afraid of change and u wont mind going to where u need to be to get to where you want to go. good stuff. keep it up

badderchic said...

anyone home?

Carlang said...

WHen your post came up i said to myself.
Now. Now. Lets not be hasty. He always claims he is finally back.
But he never really is.
He just teases us with his presence and then runs away..


I hate telling myself. I told you so!!

bighead said...

Yu have obviously been caught up in work. Last post: May. Not good.

Anonymous said...

Where are you?

bumight said...

I told myself you'll come round after 3 months
but its been...a year?
now I'm thinking:
"should I send out the search party?"

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

the blog streets are talking but you aren't around to speak for yourself...

Do update some time soon.

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

happy new year!

Afrobabe said...

It's a new year...

Anonymous said...

Just to say happy birthday..


U-KNOW-WHO

RocNaija said...

"we ke? No be me and you abeg"

Classic line..

Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

just dropping by to say hi..
I miss you

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dScR?Be said...

my family whom i love sooo much :*

nogoblogs said...

LOL

But I would've taken the better job. Do you think you will try again later?

xx

Sugabelly said...

Rest in Peace... I didn't read your blog (I might have come across it once or twice) but I'm sure you will be missed. Thanks so much for sharing your life and your experiences through your blog and hopefully it will be here on the Internet forever as a monument to you and your life.

God bless you.

Go and find eternal happiness.

smaragd said...

RIP Ozaveshe, people who write like u are so rare, some great books will never be written because of your demise. Hopefully we will see you again someday, somewhere...

~Sirius~ said...

R.I.P

So so sad.

One of the blogs I used to read long before I became a blogger.

May God comfort your family and friends.

T.Notes said...

Gosh...sad.....feels all so empty and quiet now!
R.I.P

Yinkuslolo said...

I pray you rest in peace.

I was not your blog follower, but reading your posts def make it seem that a gem has been lost.

enjoy wherever you are now.

ShadeNonconformist said...

RIP.

I heard about your death via Bumight's page and just reading this post made me laugh out loud. I wish i had discovered your blog earlier.

God knows best and i pray he comforts your family. Amen.

Afrobabe said...

I imagine you telling God funny stories of life in heaven...

Rest in peace my dear friend...You will never be forgotten...

Anonymous said...

You remain in my heart.. forever... RIP Nonso

fantasy queen said...

my sweet sweet sweet you!
the world has lost a gem

x

pawpawandmango said...

You are still SO alive, gone too soon and I miss you.

histreasure said...

N, i pray for your family at a time such as this!!! your death issuch a loss, such a great loss!!

Tisha said...

you are funny o
and full of yourself
thank God for the jobs
influx...

Carlang said...

I suppose God would scratch his grey beard, give me a wink and tell me..."Don't worry. There is a reason for this".

But I won't find it the tiniest bit amusing.
When God decided to call Ozaveshe, he took away whatever leverage at humor that he might have had with me.

I'll miss you dear old friend.
Save your best lines until we meet.

Afronuts said...

Never knew you, but I've read you and I'm sure I dropped a comment or two somewhere.

At least this blog will remain a legacy you left behind.

RIP!

Just...Toluwa said...

i think i came here b4>

i hear u av gone to meet daddy!

We will miss you. Don't stop being you.

RIP!!!

Titilayo said...

I spent my whole evening reading through your blog. I was hooked and cudnt stop. Sad I never had d chance to read it before now or even meet you. You are indeed a rare gem. Rest in the bossom of the Almighty!!!

StandTall-The Activist said...

Sad that this is how I discover this blog. It is sad indeed that you left too soon...

Daring said...

adieu to a great mind.
really sad.

Ms.Understood said...

I don't know what to say or where to begin... but I do know that God knows best. it's situations like these that make Mee do the write-thing even though I get weary and tired at-times. Life is short!!!

RIP Nonso...many thanks for the write-things you left behind *sigh*

aeedeeaee said...

i come here everyday hoping it will all be a hoax...one of your numerous "AWOL" moves...RIP..

Chinyelu said...

Nonso, u live on. You will live forever in my heart.

Oma said...

i remember sitting beside you when you wrote a few of your replies on this blog. Inspired me to own a blog. You've been in my dreams lately so i said to say hello again.
Miss my friend. Continue to rest in God's bosom.

kugel mesh lawsuit said...

Posting comments that elicits fight is sooo uncivilized. Just forget about them dear.

iNyamu(FQ) said...

Just thought about you... my heart is broken all over again.

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Anonymous said...

I still tear up when I see your pic. You are such a wonderful human being even in death. RIP my friend.

Carlang said...

Hi Ozaveshe.
We miss you.

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