The real reason I haven’t blogged in a while (save our recurrent internet problems at work) is cos lately I haven’t had much to say. Or maybe what I mean is, I have got things to say but I don’t know how to go about saying them. A million or so times in the past week I’ve opened up this page and started to type something, then watched in hopeless confusion as my words became inadequate, my expressions clumsy and my meanings fuzzy. Typically, at this moment I’d lean back in my chair and take a deep breath, humming the tune from Aaliyah’s Try Again. Then I’d sit forward and plonk on the keyboard in a cool manner suggestive of self confidence and the assurance that I’d conquer anything I undertook (it’s a trick I learnt from one of those meditation books, one by a certain fellow Mahitri Jan or something like that). With a smirk on my face I’d recline again and study the huge amount of type on my screen. My response to the results at this point was almost always the same – I’d blanch. Almost collapsing I’d stare in pure horror and total terror at the gibberish I’d written. Besides the worst examples of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, the text was usually peppered with overused clichés and plain, incontinent reasoning. Urgency overtaking my senses (and the lessons of Mahitri Jan) I’d rush the keyboard again, typing feverishly in an effort to drum up the Muse. But by then it was too late. My head already felt like it was stuffed with cotton wool and my tongue felt thick and heavy.
Sinking into instant, readily available depression I’d bite my nails and claw at my head.
It’s a wonder I haven been fired yet as these incidents have been occurring with maddening frequency. My colleagues still haven’t got used to my sudden splurges of near insanity. I console that these are the travails of a not-so-young writer trying to cut his teeth (and nails and hair) on cutting edge prose (and the office console). My paranoia comes only when I fail to express myself the way I want, or say things different from the way I intended them to come out. Which, oddly, I’m kinda feeling like now. Hmm.
Well here (hair) goes the bite-the-nails-and-claw-the-head routine…